The Life and Crimes of an Internet Hero

*DISCLAIMER: ALAS, I CANNOT CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE BELOW. I'M MERELY RE-POSTING IT SO IT CAN RECEIVE THE WIDESPREAD ADULATION IT DESERVES*

Part 1

I am a 25 year old virgin
I have cystic fibrosis and I require a surgeon
To replace my lungs and give me a brand new start
And you've come along, and you've filled up my heart

All my life, I've been alone
Ugly, confused, no one to call my own
Oh, Eve, you mean the world to me
"Oh, Jason, will you piss on me"

"Let's go have sex in the woods"
"Tie me up and fuck me good"
I don't have any protection
But how else can I show you my affection?

"I'm only seventeen"
"Trust me when I say I'm clean"
Oh Eve, I believe everything you say
As for pregnancies, I can't have children anyway


Part 2

I can't wait to go on MSN
And tell everyone that I've had sex
And not be called a virgin ever again
The boards will finally give me some respect

There's no one else like you
"I think I might dye my hair blue"
I think I'm in love with you
"I fucked a dog, now you're the only one I screw"

I feel sick now, I think we should get dressed
"Oh, Jason, it isn't true, it was just a test"
"Don't think about it, you'll only get distressed"
I promise, Eve, I won't get obsessed

"I want to sleep with everybody"
What do you mean, I thought you loved me?
If you break up with me, I will forever mourn
"You shouldn't do that, because I'm fucking elprawn"


Part 3

Everyone is bullying me
Why won't Tink stand up for me?
Eve has just posted on WTV
Everytime I see her, I dry heave

Eve is a dirty whore
I don't love her anymore
Everyone must know the truth
That she fucked a dog in her youth

I'm on my own again
No one I can call a friend
Eve's left me for some other men
And then... I saw it

I couldn't believe it
It was so magnificent
All my life, I will devote
To this extraordinary goat


Part 4

Today I had a visit from the police
Don't they know I have a disease?
Why won't they just let me be?
And live my life how I please?

She was so damn beautiful
"I was just fifteen"
She had small breasts that were wonderful
"He gave me alcohol and caffeine"

She skipped a day of school for me
"We watched wrestling on TV"
She told me that she liked my goatee
"I can't remember, I think it was WWE"

But then the school called her parents
Much to my dismay
The police came knocking
And they warned me to stay away!


Part 5

I want to play Call of Duty
But no one else has a PS3
They all have a crappy Xbox 360
And ReDfEsTeR won't play with me

All of my enemies
Won't let me have any dignity
Please stop mentioning Eve
Or forever I will have to leave

I am a master detective
Of girls I am protective
They don't know the dangers of sex
They don't know what every man expects

No one ever listens to me
They just laugh at my misery
All they ever do is gloat
I must write a Facebook note


Part 6

I'm not sure what this is for
Please don't put this on ignore
I've already written some of it on your walls
I hope you all will read it all

First things first
I'm going to college
It'll keep me sane
And expand my knowledge

The only girl I ever laid
Is having sex and getting paid
Now all we ever have is conflict
And she fucked a heroin addict

All of you keep me at arm's length
How am I supposed to find the strength
To not be lonely and depressed
And not keep my feelings so suppressed


Part 7

Where has everybody gone?
Why have they all withdrawn?
When I signed online they should've came
It's so obvious Gonch is to blame

b3ni and Indy have turned everyone against me
And they forced Megan to agree
I'm starting to have a panic attack
I must find a way to get them back

It's time for me to devise a plan
To break through their cliquey clan
I'll get them back by hook or crook
Using comments and messages on Facebook

Bumping threads isn't working
Everyone just carries on lurking
Every day I'll post a lurkers list
I will not fail, I must persist

Good to know you're all obsessed with me still

It is a good poem but the ammount of effort and thought that went into it is a bit disturbing.A good old ´tiredhippo is a cunt´would have sufficed.

i'm guessing shamone wrote that?

by the way... try reading it along to the prince of Bel-air theme.. (doesn't really work for part 1 though).

Ollie wrote:

It is a good poem but the ammount of effort and thought that went into it is a bit disturbing.A good old ´tiredhippo is a cunt´would have sufficed.

True, but it's not as funny. And it's still not as funny as this.

lol at part 7

whilst the eve comic thing is quite well drawn it is beyond obsessed and creepy, and the poem was time wasted which could have been better spent elsewhere.

Layne Staley Fan wrote:

whilst the eve comic thing is quite well drawn it is beyond obsessed and creepy, and the poem was time wasted which could have been better spent elsewhere.

Bet you lol'd at both though!

I didn't laugh. or even smile, my frown was pretty heavy at the end of the comic. to see someone be that obsessed is fucked up. Eve's personal safety may be at risk. Next time she's online I'll point her to it. I think she should call the police.

She's seen it and laughed at it.

That'll teach you for flashing on msn , dude.

SK, that's fucking pathetic. You have a section on here where Jason can't go, you have a whole other forum where he's not a member, why the fuck would you need to post this now? Jesus man.

It is getting a bit creepy now.

Some may see this as evil and bullying. I don't care who started what but perhaps it would be good to give it a rest.

Like anyone would pay any notice to me

Yeah, I agree, that comic thing is beyond obsessive... Quite worrying someone would spend all that time on it...

The comic is hilarious and obviously done in jest by someone who likes graphic art. I don't see how it's obsessive.

it looks as thought a lot of time and thought went into it.... and its just plain creepy.

If he hadn't done that, he'd of done a comic about something else. Just a bit of inspiration, that's all.

or lack there of - depending how you look at it I guess.

Why does taking inspiration from source mean you have a lack of inspiration from everything else. Are all Dali's pictures of melting clocks?

Calling hippo and eve inspiration, is like saying Eastenders is inspirational.

If Eastenders has inspired something, then it would be inspirational. As Hippo and Eve inspired that comic, then they are inspirational.

Edit: Don't you have a 2:1 in English?

RandyParrot wrote:

Calling hippo and eve inspiration, is like saying Eastenders is inspirational.

Zeppo and Eve are both more potentially inspirational than most. Neither lead run-of-the-mill lives.

Not run-of-the-mill ?

I heard Eve's life is a constant grind.